Things Brits do that confuse the rest of the world
by imbloodylondonmate
Summary: Things Brits do that confuse the holy hell out of the rest of the world. Yeah. Inspired by nicetwin123's Strange Things About America.
1. Tea- the juice of life

**I do know that I'm meant to be writing the London Twins, but hey. Whatever.**

"I'm knackered." England face palmed the meeting table. It had been a long day; he was jetlagged from the eight hour flight to Washington, and had a meeting to go to an hour after he had arrived. Not to mention he needed TEA.

" _Ja, ja,_ we're all tired. Most of us have come from Europe." Germany waved his hand dismissively. "Now pay attention."

Something inside England snapped. First of all, he was not European! Or was he...? Anyway, that was a debate for another day. A threatening aura came off him as he swaggered up to Germany.

"Well, listen here, mister! You're fine with being here because you can have COFFEE! I, however, have. NOT. HAD. ANY. BLOODY. TEA! I have had to survive jet-lag, WITHOUT MY TEA! With the number of goddamn coffee shops around here, you'd think that one of them WOULD SERVE TEA!" He turned to America.

"This is for your pathetic excuses of cafes." He punched him in the face.


	2. Swearing in Britain

Right now was not a good time to come anywhere near England. You could practically hear him growling mentally. So naturally, America, who really can't read the atmosphere, approached him, the rest of the world took to under the table.

"Yo! Iggy! What's up!"

"Fuck off."

America gasped. "You said a bad word!"

"I said fuck off." England stood up threateningly. America had sense enough to go back to his seat.

France stood outside the Kirkland residence. He was looking forward to messing with England's needlework and taunting him and so on. He stopped, frozen in his tracks when he heard two... _Cockney voices_... shouting?

"Git."

"Eejit."

"Barmpot."

"Retard."

"Chav."

"Bloody saddo."

"Fucking degenerate."

"Fucking tosser."

"Wanker."

"I'm the wanker?"

"..."

"I'M OUTTA 'ERE!"

A girl of around 17 shoved open the front door and pushed past France.

"I heard you swearing to your daughter. Aren't you meant to be a gentleman?"

England shrugged. "Swearing's normal at my house."


	3. Ebola reactions

**I found two really funny videos on Youtube about the difference in Ebola coverage in the UK and the USA. So, consequently, this'll be on it.**

"Over 9000 have died due to the outbreak of Ebola-"

"The chances of Ebola reaching the UK are very small-"

"You are more likely to die from a toaster-"

England raised his eyes to the telly. Poor Sierra Leone, Liberia, and Gambia. Some of them were his former colonies, and he sympathised with them.

Suddenly his phone rang.

"Hello?"

"IGGY! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! EBOLAISSPREADINGCLOSEYOURBORDERSNO-"

"ALFRED! Calm down! Ebola is highly unlikely to spread past West Africa if we contain it!"

"I THINK WE SHOULD CLOSE OUR BORDERS TO AF-"

"SHUT UP!" Arthur sighed. "I blame your media. Fear mongering barmpots. Nothing's gonna happen if we let Africans in! It's a whole bloody continent, you know! Your country needs to stop being so xenophobic!" And with that, he hung up.

 **Requests would be lovely! Just leave them in the reviews.**


	4. Peppa Pig and other kid's TV shows

You might be surprised to find out that the nations had a day a month in which they watched each other's children's shows. Yep.

This month it was England's turn.

He had put weeks of preparation into this. Now, if only he could be sure that the American idiot didn't go on about Bill Nye the Science Guy. What was that anyway?

Finally, the day had come. England had a stack of DVDs next to the telly.

Slowly nations trickled in, one by one. England knew that most of the continentals would recognize some of his programs, but he would enjoy showing off to the rest of the world.

"Dude! You must have Bill Nye!"

"No. We don't have much American crap."

"Hey!"

England sighed as he put in the first kid's show DVD. Oh. They would enjoy this one.

"I'm Peppa Pig! Oink!"

While most Europeans and India burst out laughing, the North Americans were thoroughly confused.

"This is my little brother George! *Little oink*"

"What..." muttered Canada.

"This is Mummy Pig, *oink* and this is Daddy Pig. *Big oink*"

"I'm Peppa Pig!"

"So... Confused..."

The Europeans and Commonwealth countries thoroughly enjoyed the episode. The rest of the world, however... not so much.

The group went through Blue's Clues (an old classic) Fifi and the Flowertots, Thomas the Tank Engine, Postman Pat, 64 Zoo Lane (Many African nations protested that hippos are _not_ friendly), Horrible Histories (YEAH), Come Outside (with the most adorable dog ever), In the Night Garden (this confused a lot of people), and finally, they were left with the pinnacle of British Kid's Shows.

Mister Maker.

"Why the hell are there super fast instruction on how to make useless stuff?"

England, however, giggled like a five year old. "Wait for it..."

"I am a shape!"

"WHAT"

"I am a rectangle!"

La-la-la-la. La-la-la-la.

"I am a circle!"

"I am a triangle!"

"I am square!"

"I am a shape!"

While England was peeling with laughter, half of the world looked at him strangely.

"A man dusting shapes to wake them up to dance... the pinnacle of British television."

 **I have entered almost every show that my age will remember and enjoy remembering. We reminiscence the days when we could watch Peppa Pig without getting bored. Try watching some. You will be amazed by their awesomeness. (Warning: Americans often can't see past Bill Nye the Science Guy.)**


	5. French

**Okay... this thing tended to be a thing in the Wicked fandom... I'm gonna reply to reviews!**

 **SwordMasterZ: Here's a little role-play for the tea party re-enactment:**

 **England: America. Come here.**

 **America walks over to him**

 **England punches him in the face.**

 **England: I thought I raised you better.**

 **America: What?**

 **England: I know about your Boston Tea Party re-enactment in Massachusetts.**

 **America runs for his life.**

 **Also, swearing is quite normal in the UK. Not in polite society, but if you said it in the streets rather loudly no heads would turn. Except in Buckinghamshire. (I go to school there but I live in London. I have a bit of a grudge against them middle class toffs for saying I can't say thirty the way I want to.) It's generally frowned upon in front of kids, but you could get away with saying bloody at the most.**

 **The only thing I can think about miners is the Miner's strike in the seventies.**

 **MorganicOrganic: Dammit! Can't believe I missed it! I used to watch it all the time!**

 **Also, the Bill thing was just some sarcasm. Hope no one was offended by it.** **.**

"Go away, you cheese eating surrender monkey!"

"Black sheep of Europe!"

"Coward!"

" _Connard!"_

England's jaw dropped. " _Connard?"_

France had no idea that England spoke fluent French.

" _Regardes mon visage."_

 _"Quoi?"_

 _"Regardes mon visage."_

 _"Tu parles Français?"_

 _"Bien sur."_

 _"QUOI?"_

 _"Maitenant, regardes mon visage."_

France fainted.

 **I have a bit of a headcanon that England speaks many languages fluently, like French, Spanish, German, Punjabi, Tamil, and many more, due to Britain trading with pretty much the whole world at some point in time.**

 **In Britain, you learn French, German or Spanish at secondary school. Your average person won't speak it fluently, but will recognize some words from their lessons.**

 **Translation time! And I'm proud to say that I didn't use Google Translate for any of these!**

 **Connard- Shithead**

 **Regardes mon visage- Look at my face (you informal)**

 **Quoi- what**

 **Tu parles Français? - You speak French?**

 **Bien sur- Of course**

 **Maitentant- Now**


	6. Football Hooligans

I'd love to make the start of this chapter as interesting as possible, but really, it started in a world conference. Yawn. Fear not, dear reader, it gets better.

England walked in, dressed in Man U kit (Manchester United).

"Premier League's on tonight!"

The entire continent of Europe screamed and ran as far as they possibly could, dragging the rest of the world along with them (yes, so did Greece; he took Japan, and, surprisingly, Turkey along with him).

The whole world minus the UK brothers travelled as fast as they could to escape the football hooligans.

They soon found themselves in an underground conference room. Germany locked all of the 50 locks decorating the door.

"Okay... what the hell just happened?" said America rather loudly.

France explained to him. "In your part of the world, the British are stereotyped as posh and gentemanly."

Germany continued. "We know what they're really like. Football hooligans."

Ireland nodded her head. "I should know; they're my brothers. Do you know how many times I've been dragged along to watch their damn games?"

Italy whimpered. "It's terrifying!"


	7. Food

America gulped in pure horror. He had been invited by his brother (who?) to the Commonwealth dinner party. And guess who'd be cooking. England.

Sadly he had no choice but to come. He couldn't bear the thought of over-cooked, rubbery beef and soggy peas.

Well, at least there'd be alcohol.

****************************************************************He arrived to find the entire Commonwealth sitting at a table, obediently eating England's cooking.

"Oh, Alfred!" Arthur seemed very happy. Unusually so. "Come sit next to Nauru."

Arthur placed a plate in front of him. Alfred nervously opened his eyes. But instead of burnt fish and chips , or Shepherd's pie seemingly made with the remains of a sheep, he saw chicken tikka masala, the curry delicately poured over a pile of fluffy Basmati rice. Alfred looked up at his former ruler in shock.

Arthur chuckled. "Don't look at me like that. My cooking's improved a lot since rationing ended, and since the influx of immigrants from my former colonies." He waved at India, who was sitting across the room. "Thanks India!"

All Alfred could do was eat in silence, unable to form coherent words.


End file.
